Are we doing hugs today?

I remember the first time I was asked this question by a friend of mine, I thought, “Well, of course! You’re my best friend. I always want a hug.” 

It wasn’t until months later that I started incorporating this question into my own vocabulary, and I’ve realized that the answer is not always, “Well, of course!” Sometimes, my friends are anxious and the idea of physical touch is a lot, or they’ve had an off day and don’t know how to feel. Asking this question — even though hugging may seem like an obvious assumption to make — gives us insight into what makes people feel the safest and most comfortable. It also shows our understanding of boundaries and consent to others.

This April, Sexual Assault Awareness Month, is the perfect time to emphasize how we can make a positive impact using consent. It’s necessary to first understand what consent is and why it is so important.

What is consent?

Consent is the agreement by choice between parties, with emphasis on capacity and freedom to decide. While consent is often portrayed as something that only happens in romantic or sexual relationships, consent can and should be incorporated in all aspects of one’s life.

Consent is used to communicate what someone is and is not comfortable doing. When someone chooses to give, not give or revoke consent, they are telling others how they wish to be treated. Consent allows everyone to respect boundaries and honor the autonomy of others3.

The two primary consent models

There are two models to understand how consent can be practiced: FRIES and CRISP.

Freely given: Consent is given without coercion, manipulation or the use of drugs and alcohol.

Reversible: If consent is given, it can also be revoked at any time.

Informed: Consent is given once someone knows the information needed to consent informatively.

Enthusiastic: When giving consent, the person shows an interest in the activity. Phrases of “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” are not considered to be enthusiastic. Such responses should cause the person asking for consent to reconsider.

Specific: Consent is given for a specific situation or activity, and this does not apply to all situations afterwards.

FRIES consent was created by Planned Parenthood as a response to previous models of consent: “no means no” and “yes means yes.” It was mainly designed to apply to sexual encounters, where two individuals would need consent from the other2. This did not necessarily cover wider contexts where consent is needed though, including situations where power dynamics occur or where consent may not be “enthusiastic.” This is where CRISP comes in.

Considered: Consent is given after understanding and considering factors of oppression or structures of power.

• For example, someone in a position of power asking for something; we may feel we have to consent in order to avoid being negatively impacted, but this wouldn’t be considered consensual.

Reversible: If consent is given, it can also be revoked at any time.

Informed: Consent is given once someone knows the information needed to consent informatively.

Specific: Consent is given for a specific situation or activity, and this does not necessarily apply to all situations afterwards.

Participatory: When someone makes the decision to consent to something, it should be an involved choice. Everyone should have a voice in their decision to give consent.

CRISP is a consent model that was designed with the purpose of protecting people who work in the entertainment industry. Sometimes decisions are made for actors and actresses, and the ability to have a part in the discussion is not offered. Considered and participatory are added to emphasize how collaborative consent is, even in film1.

Another positive of the CRISP model is the move away from “enthusiastic.” Sometimes, individuals may be self-conscious, nervous or uncomfortable for a number of reasons: it’s a new experience for them, they may be stepping outside of their comfort zone, they may have certain expectations and are wanting to reach them. Interest will be shown in different ways for each person. In these cases, conversations are necessary in order to be on the same page with all those that are engaged.

How to ask for consent

Oftentimes, consent is portrayed as something that “ruins the mood” or doesn’t allow fluidity in sexual instances. This sentiment seeps deep in the media we consume everyday and the messages we learn from our favorite movies and songs. But it is important we understand that consent is a vital tool for engagement with others, and it doesn’t have to ruin the mood!

Here are some ways to ask for consent:

• Are we doing hugs today?
• I really want to kiss you. Would you like that too?
• What are you interested in doing right now?
• Can I share something personal with you?
• Can I borrow your ___?
• Do you have time to help me right now?

A favorite of mine after a date is, “How would you like to end the night?” All of these suggestions leave room for a conversation, or at the very least, the ability to make a decision. 

Consent is present in our daily interactions, whether it is platonic, romantic, sexual or familial. We should all take the opportunity this Sexual Assault Awareness Month to normalize conversations around consent. Even if that journey starts with “Are we doing hugs today?,” it can be the step towards the embodiment of a more empowering approach to boundaries and consent.